Accountability Without Blame: Rethinking the ‘Difficult’ Conversation

How do we hold people accountable while remaining empathetic and constructive in the complex world we live in? The answer lies in reframing the approach to the conversations we find difficult.

30 years of difficult conversations

I’ve been having difficult feedback conversations for the last 30 years – you’d think I’d be better at it by now!

Let me explain. When I started freelancing for Steps back in 1995 (I know, right!?), fresh out of drama school, I typically role-played the young graduate who was on the receiving end of difficult feedback (I also had to pretend to have a pneumothorax 20 times a day for OSCE exams, but that’s another story!).

Email and mobile phones weren’t really a thing yet in 1995, so the challenges of effective communication were different compared to those we face today – you had to actually talk to people for a start…and in person! What were we thinking!?

30 years later, the way we communicate with each other has changed dramatically (and frankly so have I since those days of, well, hair – the graduate has long gone!). The complexity has grown exponentially, as we navigate our way through communications over email, text, voice message or virtual meetings.

But when it comes down to it, the challenge of the conversation is in essence still exactly the same. In our work, there is a theme and pattern we still see in the way people behave that is mirrored across all levels, sectors and industries, despite our individual uniqueness and despite that passage of time.

Where feedback conversations go wrong

Typically, people fall into one of two camps when it comes to a difficult feedback conversation – we avoid, for fear of getting it wrong or for being disliked, meaning that people can’t learn from their mistakes or understand what they need to change.

Or we go in too hard because we believe that’s what’s needed for us to be taken seriously, often leaving all sorts of destruction in our wake.

There is also the tendency to fall into the trap of needing to underpin the ‘seriousness’ of the feedback with a justification for giving it – i.e. through blame – which of course leads only to defensiveness and entrenchment by both sides.

That’s all quite generalised and simplistic of course, but those approaches are at the heart of so much of the work that we do at Steps – and why exploring ways to be more effective with participants is still as important over 30 years later.

What are the statistics?

Indeed, receiving vague, unfair and emotionally charged feedback from managers has pushed half (49%) of UK office workers to look for new jobs, according to 2024 research from business technology provider Brother UK. Gen Z’s are twice as likely than their Boomer colleagues to consider walking out because of the problem.

It’s no surprise that how feedback is delivered has a direct impact on morale, performance, and retention. As SHRM have highlighted: “Research shows that employees who get non actionable, low quality feedback are 63 % more likely to leave, nearly half of office workers have considered quitting—or even quit—due to poorly delivered feedback, and over 50 % say feedback lacks the specificity needed to help them improve.” 

What we’re noticing

There is one other layer which underpins a theme we are seeing more in our recent work with clients – in the current climate, businesses need to drive for improved performance.

Organisations are delivering ever more complex, varied projects, alongside increasing people costs and the demands of delivering the highest levels of service to clients. All within the uncertain world we live in.

Whereas we might have been frank and straight about the need to just ‘get on board’, we now (quite rightly) want to achieve high performance whilst keeping wellbeing, empathy and resilience in mind.

It’s a delicate balance.

Performance matters — so how do we get there?

So, to achieve our goals, how do we hold people accountable while remaining empathetic and constructive?

The answer lies in rethinking what accountability actually means and how we frame our conversations.

Accountability, at its core, is not about blame —it’s about ownership. It’s about helping someone see their role in an outcome, understand the impact, and take steps to improve.

When done with empathy and clarity, accountability becomes a tool for growth, not guilt. It focuses on assuming good intent, what can be learned and what needs to happen next.

There are some really quite simple things that we explore in our sessions to support having these kinds of conversations in a meaningful and effective way:

Preparation

• Having relevant facts & evidence and any relevant process information to hand.
• Practicing what you are going to say (60 second opening).
• Considering the environment and the amount of time it will take.
• Considering your intention, mindset and desired outcome.

Starting the conversation and seeking clarity

• Setting the right tone and framing clearly.
• Giving specific examples and evidence.
• Avoiding generalisations.

Listening with empathy

• Using open and probing questions and active listening.
• Clarifying and reflective questions to check there is mutual understanding.
• Valuing silence.
• Being aware of the talk ratio.

Exploring with collaboration

• Considering the impact & possible consequences of what happened.
• Exploring options for an effective way forward.

Agreeing Actions with support

• Setting clear expectations.
• Ensuring ownership.
• Agreeing actions and deadlines.
• Asking what support they need from you.

Oh, and practice, practice, practice!

Hearing and feeling the words and the impact they can have through practice is invaluable in setting you up for success. Having delivered many hundreds of sessions in my time and knowing how much people dread the thought of an experiential approach, it’s the chance to practice that people value the most and will likely lead to them doing things more effectively back in the real world.

It’s only difficult if you let it

Having started this by saying it’s been 30 years of difficult conversations, of course what I really mean is that it’s 30 years of working together to try and get it right.

Our work is about holding a mirror up to current behaviours and encouraging people to see that there is a new and effective way of doing things. Reframing our thinking to what can be achieved if we work to get this right, is a really good starting point.

If you feel the leaders in your organisation could benefit from more effective feedback training, get in touch — we’d love to help.